A few months ago my husband and I went to the arena tour of Dancing on Ice, he wasn't too keen but accompanied me to keep me happy. I waited at the entrance to the hall while he went to the cashline which was at the other end of the exhibition hall.
As I waited I watched people come in from the windy night outside and enter the hall, some waited alongside me for friends to join then, some stood in a queue to buy programmes. I noticed a couple of women in their late forties or early fifties, they were smiling and laughing as they greeted two elderly ladies, maybe their mother and aunt, as they greeted each other with a hugs and a kisses I felt my eyes fill with tears and I immediately thought of my mum and my aunt. I had a feeling akin to jealousy, that although the ladies were around the same age as me they still had elderly relatives.
Later on that evening after the show I thought about it a lot. I am the oldest in my family I am the top of the pack, the elder. How did that happen? I remember having a gran, parents, aunts and uncles, all gone now and I am now where they once were.
Its a scary thought as I still feel like a young girl inside. I thought my parents and my gran were very wise and could fix anything that came their way, that they were responsible adults and I the child looked after and loved by them. I depended on them and could always be assured of their unconditional love and support in anything I undertook.
Time has a way of moving forward and taking loved ones away from you, life moves on, we move on and change from being the youngest in the family to the oldest, the matriarch.
Thinking of that has scared me, as I am now in my mother's place and one day my daughter will inevitably be in my place and that will mean I will no longer be here.
I still wonder how it's possible that my parents are no longer here, where are they? What happens when you die ? I refuse to believe it all ends, my brain can't comprehend the nothingness of it all.
Surely it's better to cling to the hope of an afterlife? To think of our lost loved ones in a place far better than this, where we will eventually join them.
My mother-in-law asked me not long before she died what I thought happened. I know she asked me because I always went to church, something she had never done, she thought I had inside information.
I didn't, and answered in the only way I could, the only way that would give her some comfort in her last weeks with us. I said I thought when you die a loved one is waiting to guide you to a far better place than this, it would probably be her husband who had passed fifteen years before and she missed so much. She said that would be lovely and she would be glad to see him again.
I didn't lie to her, this is what I believe happens and surely it's better to have hope and believe in a heaven after all if it turns out not to be true we'll never know anyway.